WEIGHTY ISSUES

During pregnancy your body changes. For the most part, once that bump starts to take shape we embrace and love the changes taking place as our body expands and grows this perfect little human.

Fast forward 9 months and after giving birth you are left with a body shape that is somewhat different to what it once was. I found while going through the IVF process that I gained about 5kg above and beyond what I was when we decided to start TTC. Add to that the 9kg I gained while pregnant and I have quite a bit to lose to get back to the me I once was. So far I have lost 7kg but I can't budge the rest of it. For some reason I thought it would be easier than it is proving to be. I eat like a sparrow and yet nothing gives. In fact, I have actually gained back a kilo I lost in the last few weeks. Of course, Christmas being just around the corner certainly doesn't help!

So, what I want to know from those ladies who have been there, what is a realistic time frame to lose the baby weight? And do you ever go back to what you once were? Any tips?

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I feel like I might quite possibly burn out working full time and attending to a baby that is no longer sleeping through the night. Cohen has decided to start waking up several times a night and has done so pretty much since I returned to work (it started a couple of weeks beforehand so don't think they're connected). 14 weeks of uninterrupted sleep and now this. First week I thought it was a phase or growth spurt. Now it's been going on for about a month and it's getting worse. I feel a bit like I have a newborn again!

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (ANOTHER MYTH?)

I love this little man you see here with all my heart. But it wasn't the instant intense love you might imagine it to be. That may surprise many of you and like a blog post that I wrote a few months ago regarding what I considered to be the myth of breastfeeding coming 'naturally' (which for some very lucky women it does, but for most of us it takes a lot of hard work and learning on both sides and in some cases like mine, you get to a point where it just ain't happening and you choose to go down another path) the whole love at first sight when your baby is handed to you isn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I loved him but it took me a good 6 weeks to look at him and really feel my heart swell with love. And for some it takes even longer than that. I think it is especially hard after infertility to admit that that love takes time to build up because there is so much pressure to be the perfect mother to this little baby that you have battled for so long to hold. I felt so guilty at times that I was finding this motherhood gig harder than I felt I should be. You don't want to admit that after 3 years of trying and countless medical procedures and IVF cycles to get this precious wee baby, that you aren't always enjoying the experience of first time motherhood. That it's actually hard work. That the sleep deprivation is killing you. But by the time he was 6 weeks old, I finally had that moment. He was snuggled against my chest sleeping while I watched TV and I just felt this wash of love come over me and I knew then what it feels like to truly be in love and awe of your child. 

The reason I am writing this is because after I spoke to other women about this, I found that many IVF mums (or mums who had battled infertility regardless of how you managed to conceive in the end) were going through postnatal depression because they felt they couldn't admit that they found motherhood to be harder than they thought because they felt people would look down on them. They also put alot of pressure on themselves to be the perfect mother and then things don't go according to plan and they feel like a failure. Or they have their baby and then feel like they're a bad mother for not falling instantly head over heels in love with this baby that they have only just met. And no one wants to talk about it. So I decided I wanted to write a blog post just to say that sometimes it takes time to get to know this little person who you just welcomed into the world. You're not always going to be the perfect mother. And just because you battled so hard to get pregnant, does not mean that you can't confess to how hard you are finding it and ask for help. And eventually you will look at your child and feel the way you always felt you would feel when they were born. 

It isn't always love at first sight and that's ok.

OFFICIALLY A WORKING MUM!

Well, I survived my first two days at work and now have five days to recover! Although if I'm honest, it actually went swimmingly. Cohen is being doted on hand and foot by Grandma and I get to go to work and have a wee break as well as earn some money. He also gets to grow up having a close relationship with his grandparents like I did as a child which is a wonderful thing. I am very happy with how it all worked out and feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders as I was feeling a wee bit anxious about it all in the lead up. Though when you call your mother-in-law to see how things are going and you can hear your babies raucous giggles in the background, you know you don't have a thing to worry about. The first day I made the HG drop him down as I was worried about tearing up when his little blue eyes watched me walk out the door but the second day I dropped him off myself and as soon as he saw her his little face broke into the biggest smile which made leaving a hell of a whole lot easier! I am only working two days a week until mid December so will be easing back into it over the next few weeks before going back to a four day position (down from five). My work has been absolutely wonderful at accommodating me and being very understanding (which could be surprising because I am the only female in amongst four males and it is usually a female dominated work environment that tend to be more flexible with working mums) so I am forever thankful to them for that. 

And here is a photo of him, just because I haven't posted an updated one for awhile!

BACK TO THE REAL WORLD

I'm back at work on Thursday and I must admit that I am slightly terrified. I always knew I would have to go back to work for financial reasons and I have made peace with that (I figure there is no point on dwelling on something that can't be changed) and even though a small part of me is actually looking forward to having those few days a week back in the world of adults and being able to have some adult conversation again, I am a wee bit scared of leaving Cohen. He is going to my mother-in-laws and I know he will be absolutely fine but I'm having abandonment issues. Or rather, I feel like he might have some abandonment issues. Even though he is only 20 weeks old and therefore probably too young to feel like that, it plays on my mind that he has been with me since the day he was born and now all of a sudden out of nowhere he will be dropped off somewhere else one morning and the world as he knows it will be turned upside down as mummy will be leaving him and not coming back for hours. And hours. And hours. I'm also a teeny tiny bit nervous about getting back into the real world and bursting my happy little baby bubble. 

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

It is Labour Day in NZ today (which is a public holiday) and this was the day last year that we finally found out that we were going to become parents at long last (officially the date we found out was 25th October which is tomorrow, but this was the public holiday that changed our lives forever). I remember the phone ringing while the HG was outside planting pots of tomatoes (just as a side note, all four plants died before we even got any tomatoes from them! Luckily our parenting of Cohen has been a little better!) and as I was expecting THE call to be on my cell phone and not landline, I was quite relaxed when answering and incredibly anxious when the nurse on the other end announced who she was. I had my response to a BFN all planned out in my head as I was 99% certain it was going to be a negative and was ready to tell the nurse I was ok and I knew that was going to be the result. Dreaming of a response to a positive hadn't really entered my head which is why when she said to me after a long winded introduction of how are you, how has your day been, how are you feeling and finally "Congratulations, your results have come back and you're pregnant" I was completely speechless and didn't take a word of the next few minutes of conversation and instruction for repeat blood tests in. And the minute that phone was put down I burst into a flood of tears and went walking out to the backyard in a daze. I'll never forget the look on the HG's face when he saw me crying and his face dropped as he attempted to comfort me, to which I told him I was in fact, pregnant! And then there were tears from both of us and a fair bit of screaming.

And now we have our little cheeker (the HG's nickname for him because he's such a  cheeky baby!)

I just read back on my blog entry from last year (you can read it here) and very teary eyed read through all the beautiful comments I received to my news. I have had so much amazing support to my journey and I would love to know where you are now in your own journey's to motherhood or life in general? There were many woman who commented on my BFP post and those that came before, who don't have blogs but were in the midst of IVF cycles at the time or had been TTC for awhile and I really hope you got your BFP and are living happily ever after. I would love to hear from some of my followers and see where you are all at in your lives now a year later . . . I know that many of you would have drifted off as my blog evolved with my pregnancy and now mummyhood, which I completely understand, but if you do happen to read this, please drop me a comment and let me know how you are getting on and if you have a blog, let me know the link so I can continue to follow your journey. xox

SUCCESS!

So after all my worry about the sleeping issue, I basically decided the other night was the night to try putting him to bed in his own room. I geared up and was preparing for an unsettled evening but he went down without a single problem! I couldn't believe it! After all that, he just went to sleep. Little monkey. There was a wee bit of grizzling and I actually sat on the couch and read Hairy Maclary to him so he could hear my voice. Last night I read Brambley Hedge and tonight I just put him in his bassinet wide awake and walked out and he went straight to sleep! Didn't even hear a peep out of him. So proud of my little man! The scariest part was leaving him all alone in his room instead of wheeling him in with me. It took a bit of talking into by the HG as I wasn't overly keen on leaving him there alone but given it's right next door to our bedroom, the HG basically dragged me to bed and wouldn't allow it. I thought I would be waking up half the night and rushing in to check on him but I didn't wake up until I heard him talking to himself on the baby monitor at 6.30am the next morning! Next challenge: moving him into his actual cot. Eek!

THIS TIME LAST YEAR

Today I have been having extra special snuggles with my baby boy and telling him how lucky we are to have him in our lives, and how this time last year we had been sitting in this lounge room and hoping and praying that the little embryo tucked up inside that had been transferred that morning would stick. What a difference a year makes.

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS

I've dug a mega-sized hole for myself and I'm hoping someone can help dig me out of it!

Cohen has been sleeping in his bassinet beside me in our room since he came home. We have a routine where he goes to bed at 7.30pm, so at about 7pm I wheel the bassinet into the lounge, turn out the lights, change his nappy, swaddle him and then give him his last bottle before popping him into bed, tucking him in and popping his dummy in his mouth (sometimes he sucks on it and sometimes he spits it out). He'll quite happily lie there and self settle himself to sleep (with the occasional grizzle but generally he just drifts off). We have had this routine for about 7 weeks now and when I go to bed he gets wheeled in with me. 

The problem is, if I deflect from this routine at all, all hell breaks loose. For example, the other night I wanted to read so once he'd drifted off to sleep I wheeled him into our room earlier than usual so I could turn on the light in the lounge. 10 minutes later he was crying, so I went in and popped his dummy back in, turned on the night light on his monitor, set it to lullaby mode, watched the eyes drift back closed and walked out. Then the crying started again. Repeat as before. Crying. Turn on lamp. Crying. Wheel him back into the lounge. Silence. Crap! The same thing happened last night but this time I decided to pop a blanket over his bassinet to keep it dark while I turned on the light. 10 minutes later the crying started and we had the same issue as the night I decided to wheel him into our room, so I gave in and turned the light back off and removed the blanket. Silence. 

It seems he is so used to being in the lounge with us when he goes to bed that any change from that routine he freaks out. He's used to our voices, the flickering lights of the TV and the background noise. 

The problem is that he is starting to get a bit big for his bassinet and I'm going to need to move him into his cot. Which is in the nursery. Which is NOT the lounge. Aside from the fact that I am freaking out about putting him in his own room in the first place, how can I rectify this problem and get him to go to sleep in his own room at night when he is so stuck in his ways? He obviously cannot stay in the lounge with mum and dad forever! Any tips? And at what stage should I think about weaning him out of the swaddle? He's 15 weeks old.

APOLOGIES

Once again, I must apologise for having been absent for such a long stretch! I won't make excuses, I just haven't felt inspired to write a blog entry (and to be fair I have been sick as a dog with the cold from hell which hasn't helped my brain function). I thought I would come and update you on where I am at with the breastfeeding dilemma though. I decided to make some changes to the timing of my expressing rather than quit and I am feeling so much better about it and less stressed. Basically I brought forward my nightly express to 8.30pm instead of waiting until 9.30pm which is when I want to go to bed. The resentment of expressing cutting into my much needed sleep time has disappeared and I'm much more relaxed now. At the moment I am only expressing twice a day but once I get over this cold (8 days and counting!) and have some energy back I hope to add the afternoon pump back in. I also think I will at least attempt to carry on expressing once I return to work but not actually do it at work - I'll get up at 5am to get ready and slot an express in and then I'll drop Cohen off to grandma's and then do an express that night once he is in bed. At least, that is the plan! Not sure how that will pan out in reality, 5am DOES seem pretty early! But I'm sure my body will adjust.

As for everything else, Cohen is 15 weeks old on Monday and he is getting heavy! He is now 5.8kg and 61cm long. My arms are certainly getting a workout! The aches have come back in one arm though which doesn't help but this time I know what caused it - an excess of tennis on the Wii! I'm attempting to lose some of this baby weight so I can fit back into my work clothes but obviously I overdid it! Maybe it would be best to stick with the eating chocolate on the couch idea instead . . .

Here is Cohen in a photo taken today - he has currently decided that sleep is overrated and this was his response when I asked him why he was still awake. Cheeky monkey.

WHAT TO DO?

I'm trying to come to the decision on when to stop breast feeding. Or in my case, when to stop expressing. I go back to work in November and always said I would stop expressing by then because we don't have anywhere private at work that I can express during the day and I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of expressing at work anyway. Plus, with returning to work I want to spend that quality time with Cohen in the evenings and not be attached to a breast pump. But then I remember the benefits of breast milk and I feel guilty about stopping. Especially since my milk has settled in now and I have a great supply. I just don't know what to do! I was planning to carry on expressing until he is 16 weeks old which would give me a couple of weeks to ease off before returning to work but I don't want to look back and wish I'd made the effort to carry on for longer. There is also the fact that breastfeeding can lower the risk of breast cancer and with my mum having died from breast cancer at the young age of 43, I wonder if I should keep going as long as possible. But then she breastfed me and it made no difference. Decisions, decisions! Do you think the main benefits of breast milk would have been had by 16 weeks? Advice please!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY (ON THURSDAY!)

I didn't get around to posting this yesterday but since it IS technically still Wednesday on the other side of the world then I figure I can get away with it!

MOVING BEYOND INFERTILITY

Now that Cohen is here is I have started to realise how much of myself was stolen during my battle with infertility. I guess it wasn’t so much stolen as that I allowed myself to lose it. Before infertility I was a confident woman who loved to get out and about, experimented with fashion, always made an effort to look after myself and make sure my hair was done nicely, took the time to play with my make up, wore heels. After infertility entered my life I let all those things slide.

Marie Claire was switched for the guilty pleasure of sneakily buying and reading Cosmopolitan Pregnancy. That was in the first year. The second year I started taking the fertility drugs and the weight started to pile on. We all know that fertility drugs have the sad side effect of weight gain and in my 3 years of treatment I gained a total of 6 kilos more than I was on the day we decided to start trying for a baby. Back when we thought it would be easy. All of a sudden I no longer made the effort to dress nicely or worry about how I looked because I wasn’t happy with my figure. I stopped wearing heels. My wardrobe consisted of about 5 different outfits I mixed and matched and I never brought new clothes because I kept thinking ‘Hopefully I’ll be pregnant soon and then I won’t fit it so it would be a waste of money’. 3 years later and I was still wearing the same old outfits again and again and again. Not to mention I couldn’t afford to buy clothes because all my spare money went into acupuncture and Chinese herbs in a last ditch effort to conceive naturally before moving onto IVF. And then even while I was doing IVF I would carry on spending money on acupuncture because I was too scared to stop in case ‘this’ was the magic cure. What if I stopped acupuncture (which by the way I spent far too much money on over the course of two years and saw me out of pocket about $74.00 a fortnight) and then my IVF cycle failed – would I look back and think if only I’d carried on with it then it may have worked? I wasn’t willing to take the risk. It wasn’t just my looks that I let slide either.

I’m not sure if it started when my mum died or when I realized I was having problems conceiving and it wasn’t going to be a quick fix, or if it was a combination of both, but all of a sudden I lost all confidence and I started to have silly little phobias that grew more and more every day. I wouldn’t walk anywhere because I was terrified of coming across a stray dog and being attacked. It started because there were a couple of stray pitbulls around the neighbourhood and I had one approach me one day and it gave me a huge fright. It got to the point I was too scared to go out to my mailbox in case one was lurking around the side of the fence. I didn’t want to catch the bus home from the train station because I was worried about walking from the bus stop to my front door (which was only a 2 minute walk across the road) in case the pitbull was lurking around. I didn’t have my license and I was too scared to get it because I had this absurd fear I would crash the car and I was just terrified of the idea of driving and had all these scenarios in my head of what might happen to the point I would psyche myself out. When I finally did get it I would map out the easiest route in my head to get from A to B and even then I was too scared to drive so I barely went anywhere and had my license for a good year and a half before I actually started to drive anywhere alone (and this wasn’t until I got pregnant which is when my confidence started to come back). It’s like infertility robbed me. I felt like a failure for not being able to get pregnant and lost all the confidence I once had in my abilities. A plane flew over our house one afternoon and it was extremely low and loud and gave both the HG and I a hell of a fright as it literally shook the house, but for weeks after that every time a plane flew overhead I would have an anxiety attack and think it was going to crash into the house. It was ridiculous. The internet became my refuge because I could have a social life without having to go anywhere. Going to new places was another fear – if I was told to meet someone somewhere I had never been before I would ask them to wait outside as I would be too nervous to enter the place on my own in case I couldn’t see them and I’d look like an idiot just standing there.

This is the same girl who at 19 years old hopped on a plane and went to the USA to work on a summer camp without knowing anyone. Who then went from there all by herself on a bus to NYC and stayed in a hostel and did the whole tourist gig alone and made friends along the way. Who hopped on a plane again alone at 23 to go to Europe and do a Contiki tour. And all of a sudden I was too scared to even go down the road to a place I’d never been to before. Infertility changes you. You go from this person who you look back and barely recognise, to someone else entirely whose only focus is to have a baby. That goal becomes your whole life and takes over everything and you lose the person you once were amid the uncertainty and heartache of broken dreams. 

The HG ended up having a break down during this phase of our life and suffering from anxiety. I got caught up in phobias.

Now I have my son I am working at regaining that confidence and getting back the girl I used to be and trying to move forward beyond infertility. I am not defined by my infertility but there were times in those 3 years that I forgot that.

8 WEEKS OLD (ALREADY!)

 

I don't know where my little newborn baby has gone! The time has flown by in a blur and tomorrow C will be 8 weeks old. I was fortunate enough to be able to travel 5 hours up the country for some time at my Nana's house arriving home last Sunday which is one of the reasons I've been so quiet. C and I had a fabulous time and just being able to have a break away and a helping hand was amazing! I came away feeling healthier (given I had a nutritious breakfast, lunch and dinner prepared for me and not living on muesli bars and quick fix food it's hardly surprising!) and the break gave my arms a chance to relieve themselves and I'm no longer living in pain, so I'm guessing it may have just been RSI after all (thank goodness!). I must admit though that it's been a bit if a shock to the system to come home and have to manage all on my own again while the HG is at work! I was starting to get used to the extra pair of hands after 7 days away! 

Not much else to report, the days and weeks are flying by and in no time at all my maternity leave will be up and I'll be back at work which I am not looking forward to at all, but I know it's necessary so I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. C now weighs 10lb2oz so is getting chubbier as you can see from the photos above. Starting to get some gummy smiles and coos now and he is so much more alert, can't quite believe how quickly he's growing up!

CHRONIC JOINT ACHES & PAINS (HELP!)

I need to know whether this is just me or if other woman have experienced post-baby aches and pains in their body as I'm starting to go a little crazy! Last week I started waking up with what I thought was carpal tunnel in my hands - I couldn't pick up my coffee mug by the handle to drink my morning coffee, pour the jug or grip the door handle to turn it for awhile after waking up and had numbness and tingling in my finger tips. Upon googling I concluded I must have carpal tunnel but then in the following few days I started to have aching in my left shoulder, arm and elbow which I thought could be from cradling Cohen while feeding him. It then started in my right arm and now it's in my knees. I have no real idea what is going on but I have been googling wildly looking for answers as I am waking in the middle of the night in so much pain I can't go back to sleep and I'm starting to feel like an old lady with arthritis. Upon returning to Google it looks like it could be the relaxin hormone causing the pain post-pregnancy and it could be connected to breastfeeding but I really have no idea. Pain relief is not doing anything to relieve the aching and it's not fun when it hurts to cradle Cohen to feed him his bottle and the whole time I am wishing he would hurry up because my arm hurts so much and I want to be able to put him down. 

Any advice would be so much appreciated and if you have had something similar I would love to know what you did to help it (and to know I'm not the only one!). Could it be an effect of the epidural from my c-section 5 weeks later? I thought maybe RSI but that doesn't explain the knee pain. Luckily I am going away for a week to stay with my Nana (so excited!) and I am hoping the extra help might give my joints a chance to have a break and maybe come right but I'm not holding my breath as the knee pain has thrown another spanner in the works and doesn't make sense that it is from repetitive movement. Can pregnancy trigger the start of things like arthritis?

BLESSED

I have come to the conclusion that I have been blessed with an easy baby (for now anyway!). At 5 weeks old he is already sleeping through the night, usually from about 9pm - 7am and has been doing this for the last 5 nights in a row. I'm so proud of him! He now weighs 4kg and is growing in leaps and bounds, we even got our first real smile yesterday! So precious.

Very happy mummy! 

ONE MONTH OLD TODAY!

Sorry I have been missing for so long, this mummy business is very time consuming! I love it though! As the blog title states, Cohen is one month old today and despite my fears of not knowing what to do with a baby we seem to have survived our first month together in one piece. It is all still a learning experience for the two of us though, sometimes I seem to get it right and other times I'll be awake for hours in the middle of the night wondering where I've gone wrong or what I'm supposed to be doing with this screaming baby! Luckily these nights seem to be few and far between and generally he's a pretty content little man and a great sleeper (once asleep!). I do wonder if I am making some trouble for myself though as at a month old I am still allowing him to fall asleep in my arms (generally he'll fall asleep towards the end of a bottle or just after) and not putting him to bed to self settle himself. Is this going to cause me problems later or is he still too young at this point for it to become a problem? Otherwise we are just learning as we go and sometimes that means crying together! 

BREASTFEEDING UPDATE

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions and support on my last blog post. It has been a real eye opener to read and hear about others who have been through the same thing as I have when it comes to breastfeeding and kudos to those who go through it and persevere! It really isn't easy! After having a visit from a lactation consultant who observed that Cohen has a tendency to be a lazy sucker on the boob and hard to latch, I tried a few times independently (with mixed results) before deciding that breastfeeding isn't for me. What should have been an enjoyable bonding time between my son and I was turning into a time of anxiety (me) and impatience and stress (him) so I have decided to continue exclusively pumping and bottle feeding expressed breast milk to him with the occasional bottle of formula thrown in as a top up (rather than waste precious breast milk if he is still fussy after guzzling down 60-100ml of breast milk, I give him 50ml of formula and that way if he only drinks 10ml or decides he's not hungry after all than I am not wasting the good stuff). This is working really well for me and I only have to express three times a day and not at all during the night in order to get enough to last us through. He has gained 400gms in 9 days so clearly I am doing something right! He is a little piglet and I am finding that I am still bonding brilliantly with him regardless of the fact that I am bottle feeding as opposed to having him on the boob - we are still snuggled together and I talk to him and he is happy and content which is important to me. I know that some people who read this blog may frown on my approach but it's working for me and we're both so much happier.

As for everything else, we are learning the art of swaddling and boy what a difference it has made to his sleep pattern through the night! I initially threw the idea out the window as he would scream having his hands tied down but I have since discovered that he is more than happy once he is swaddled and swaddled up nice and snug so he can't escape and I am now getting 4 hour sleep stretches through the night! Yay! It has also helped to actually get out of the house and go for walks with the buggy and get some fresh air.

So all in all, we are doing brilliantly and I am such a proud mumma! 

And just because I can't help myself, here is another picture of Cohen - he is already starting to look more like a little boy than a baby!

MY NEWEST CHALLENGE

Thank you so much for all your lovely words of congratulations! I just had to post this photo of my baby boy in his knitted woollies that his Great Nana knitted for him - so cute!

As for how things are going on the mummy and daddy front . . . well, we are actually managing pretty darn well except for the fact that I am finding breastfeeding to be such a struggle. I never knew how hard it could be and have discovered since Cohen arrived that it is just another one of those 'silent' topics (just like infertility is) that never seems to be spoken about, yet so many woman experience it. It seems I have jumped from one challenge to another. We have latch issues, even with a shield. Maybe because he is so small or maybe he just doesn't like having to make the effort, who knows. I spent 7 days in hospital already trying to master the art of something that I was always led to believe would come naturally. I could never figure out why people gave up so quickly, no one ever actually came out and said that it's because it's so hard! Master C gets so distressed when he isn't getting instant food (he has no patience whatsoever!) and I end up in tears because I feel like I am failing him. At the moment I am exclusively breast pumping and feeding it to him in bottles and supplementing with formula when I absolutely have to. I know it's not ideal and frowned upon but this is what is working for us at the moment. I have a lactation consultant coming to see me on Monday so hopefully we can make more progress then. Other than that, we are surviving on very little sleep (4 hours total last night!) but we're so in love we have no complaints. He truly is our precious little miracle.

INTRODUCING . . .

I am so proud to introduce to you our dear son Cohen Roy who was born on the 27th June 2011 via c-section arriving at 12.17pm weighing 6lb13oz. 

He is just perfect in every way and I am absolutely loving being a mummy and the HG is such a doting daddy! I can't believe he is actually ours!

THE COUNTDOWN IS ON!

I want to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to you all for the support you have given me over the last 9 months. I can't believe that in this coming week I am going to be a mummy! I'm feeling incredibly emotional at the moment and shed a few tears last night as the day closes in on me. I still feel like I need to pinch myself constantly to make sure that this is really happening. It's amazing how you can go through an entire pregnancy and still find the end result to be so surreal and wonder if you aren't dreaming. But I'm not and he is going to be here very soon! I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few nights and so I am extremely tired and hormonal at the moment but incredibly excited and nervous and a bit apprehensive too. Only apprehensive in the sense of entering into the unknown - what will it be like to have a c-section, how is the recovery going to be, will breastfeeding come easily, will I know what to do with a baby? And then there is the happy tears when I imagine seeing him for the first time. Both the HG and I are so appreciative of all your love and support and can't wait to share the next part of our journey with you - parenthood!

I won't have access to a computer while I am in the hospital to let you know of his arrival BUT I should be able to arrange a birth announcement on my blog FB page and update you all that way (whether written by me or someone else on my behalf in which case you may need to check it occasionally as it won't show up on your feed), so if you haven't already and would like to, you can hit 'like' on the FB page link at the top of this blog post. Keep an eye out ladies, there are only 5 more days of the month and as I said, he will be a June bubba!

The countdown is on!

STILL HERE!

I'm still here and enjoying my first few days of maternity leave. Ok, to be honest I am just a wee bit bored. I feel like I have taken on the official role of housewife - yesterday I ran around town and did some of the mundane chores that needed doing (car rego, dog rego etc), baked cookies for our last antenatal class (and then proceeded to eat about 5 before we even made it out the door!), watched mind numbingly boring daytime TV and had a nap. Very stimulating stuff! Everyone says I should get as much sleep as I can and nap during the day, but to be honest I am sleeping like a baby at night and going to bed at 10pm and not waking up until 6.15am when the alarm goes off for the HG to go to work, so I have no need to nap during the day as I am not tired in the slightest. Yesterdays nap was purely due to boredom! Hopefully I can start to find something a bit more entertaining to do starting tomorrow!

So what's the latest: Baby is still breech. I had a midwife appointment on Saturday and she was pretty adament that she doesn't think he is going to move. I'm measuring 4 weeks smaller than I actually am (I was 38 weeks yesterday) so he's pretty well squished in there like a sardine. Actually, he has positioned himself like a cannon ball with his bum nestled in my pelvis and his feet up over his head. Hopefully this isn't going to cause problems with his hips later as it can cause hip dysplasia for breech babies to be positioned like this for too long, so hopefully he hasn't been this way the whole time! I also started getting period type pains off and on the last 3 days so keeping an eye on those too but so far they're pretty mild. Next midwife appointment is on Thursday so will keep you posted!

THE NERVES ARE SETTING IN . . .

We don't have too much longer to go and the nerves are starting to set in a wee bit now which I guess is pretty normal! I FINALLY finish up work tomorrow and then I have 4 and a half months maternity leave up my sleeve, the majority of which I get to enjoy with my little man. I do get a wee bit of pre-baby maternity leave before the big day and I am already starting to make plans for it so I'm not just sitting around home twiddling my thumbs and counting down the days and hours and minutes. I'm hoping to be able to get out and about a bit while I still can and do some cafe dining with friends and enjoy a few afternoon naps! I have a pre-op appointment today with the anesthitist who will be with me during the c-section and then a few more blood tests, a midwife appointment on Saturday and then it will pretty much just be a waiting game.

After not having any braxton hicks since around week 23, I finally had a really strong braxton hick this morning where my whole tummy tightened accompanied by strong period like pain so I think I know what to look out for now should labour decide to start beforehand (I hope not though because that would make his delivery an emergency c-section which would add a whole new dimension to it!). Perhaps I'll avoid walking up and down stairs too much, the same way I am avoiding the raspberry leaf tea! Having said that though, I am really thinking that with 38 weeks a few days away, it might not be a bad idea to put some kind of mattress protector on the bed, just in case! As it is I have a spare change of clothes in my bag on the off chance my waters break while out somewhere! I've heard many stories of this recently so I figure better safe than sorry! I also have my hospital bag all packed complete with the most hideous high waisted undies you have ever seen (thanks to the recommendation of friends who have had a c-sec before!) and 3 pairs of PJ's! Babies bag is packed with some of his cutest (and warmest) outfits, his merino sleeping bag and a special blanket knitted by my Nana. To be honest, it all feels a little surreal and I can't believe that this is happening to me. That I am having a baby. At last. Why does reading that back always make me cry? Needless to say, you can add emotional to the list of how I am feeling.

In amongst my excitement and nerves, some close friends in the IF world have been experiencing heartache. It's horrible and just bloody unfair and I hate it! I just wish that the fertility fairy would wave her magic wand a little more freely. I haven't forgotten them and I just hope that they know that in amongst my joy, I feel sorrow for what they are going through. Infertility really does suck sometimes. Actually, forget the sometimes . . . infertility just plain SUCKS.

THE NURSERY

 

 

 

  

37 WEEK BUMP

 

 

WE HAVE A DATE!

As you may have guessed from this blog title, baby was still breech at our appointment with the specialist yesterday. In fact, not only is he upside down but he's back to front and on an angle too! Why do I have a feeling my son is going to be a handful just like his father was? Haha. So . . . we were given a date for our elective c-section BUT I'm afraid we are keeping it a secret. I know that is annoying (sorry!) but we really want to keep some surprises in store for people since we already know what the sex is. But I can tell you that he will be born in JUNE. That's right, we are having our baby THIS MONTH! So exciting!

We were once again spoken to about the turning procedure and given the ins and outs of it all, but it sounded even worse coming from the specialist than it did from the midwife, so once again we turned that idea down. Turns out that given bubs position, the fact my placenta is at the front and also that my fluid levels are on the lower side of normal (something I didn't know until that appointment) the specialist said he didn't think we would have much success with that anyway. He also said he doesn't think baby will turn on his own, but you never know! I must admit though, I think I would be pretty gutted to turn up to the hospital on the day of our scheduled c-section and find that he had turned and be sent home again! How gutting would that be, going in expecting to meet your baby at last and then being sent home to wait it out!

I'm feeling ok about the idea of a c-section now as I have got used to the idea and have done some research on how we can still make it an excellent birth experience. It's obviously not my ideal outcome but at the end of the day, getting him here safe and sound is the first priority.

Any tips from those who have been there and done that would be very much appreciated though!

26 DAYS TO GO . . .

We are starting to tick down to the final countdown and my emotions are all over the place. I am excited (which goes without saying), but I am also having frequent bouts of anxiety to go with it. 26 days all of a sudden seems like no time at all! I'm organised but only as organised as one can be without having a clue. Baby boy is still breech (I can still feel his little round head poking out the little ratbag) but I am still holding out hope that he will turn. Although, after reading a bunch of stories on my birth club about tearing during the pushing stage of labour, a c-section suddenly doesn't sound quite so bad! Because I am up in the air where labour is concerned, I'm still feeling quite calm about it. Once I know one way or another which way I will be delivering this baby I am sure the nerves will start to kick in.

As for how I am feeling physically . . . ouch! That about sums it up. I have been so proud of the way my body has held up during this pregnancy but now she's starting to get a bit of wear and tear going on. My hips are my main enemy and I am walking with a constant limp, standing up and sitting down and rolling over in bed are starting to become very painful occupations but I am just enduring it with the knowledge that I don't have much longer and baby boy is getting bigger and stronger by the day.

I never quite understood why women would start getting really impatient about having the baby instead of enjoying the last few weeks and relaxing as much as possible - I think I am starting to become enlightened!

Not to mention I am dying to know what (and who) he looks like!

CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY

We had a scan today as I had mentioned to my midwife that I felt I was carrying really small and she booked me in a scan to double check and put my mind at ease (this is why I love my midwife - not only that but she was just let out of hospital yesterday and yet she still arranged this for me AND came into work today just to see us! Now that is dedication).

Anyway, turns out my fears were not founded on anything because baby is measuring 35w2d and I am 35w3d, so spot on! 

However . . . we had the unexpected surprise of finding out that our cheeky little monkey has turned and is now breech! This came as a shock because I fully thought he was engaged due to the pain I had been having walking. Because I am only closing in on the 36 week mark there is still time for him to turn back, but I have an appointment at the hospital on Thursday to see if he is still breech. We discussed the option of turning him which I didn't like the sound of at all as the risks just sounded too great, so we have chosen to go for an elective c-section if he doesn't turn on his own.

Fingers crossed he was just having a naughty day and will be head down again within a week!